Monday, April 26, 2004

Don't Make That Face!

You know that old wives' tale (or that phrase parents say to us to freak us out?!): "Don't make that face, or it will stay that way!"

Well, boy do I have news for you! I kid you not... it's the truth! Actual. Truth. I'm not trying to be funny here, People! The other day, something made me go "EEK!" (a foot flying at your face makes you go "EEK" too, right?!). So I made the "EEK!-face." You know... when you flatten your bottom lip so you look like a chimpanzee? And your neck muscles get all tight, and your veins look like they're popping out?! (Tee hee.)

Anywho... yeah, when I made that face, all the muscles in my face, throat and neck... they froze! I mean, they were so tight that if there had been a lump of coal in my throat (I'm not exactly sure *why* there would have been a lump of coal in my throat, but you know... *if*...), I would have a pretty fancy diamond right about now.

Thank God I was able to get my lips back to normal. But my muscles? Uh-uh... they weren't budging. It was the strangest feeling EVER! I had *never* felt anything like *that* in my life! It was hard to swallow, and I couldn't talk at all, which for me is a travesty in itself. :-P

So yeah, I laid down for a while until my muscles relaxed. It took a few hours, but they finally went back to normal. Sheesh! Who'da thunk that what they've been telling us for years and years is actually *true*!

I still can't believe it, and I'm sure many people will never believe me as long as I tell this story. But *I* know it's true, and now I can really tell my kids, "Don't make that face or it will stay that way!... I know! It happened to me!"

*emmett* ~ who will NEVER make the "EEK!-face" again as long as she lives... or at least not a hardcore "EEK!-face". :)

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Californians and Their Cars... Again.

So the other day I was walking out of the grocery store and a Toyota Matrix was driving my way. Since I have a Toyota myself (not a Matrix, mind you), I notice them fairly well. So I'm like, "Hey, a Matrix! Cool!"

Then it gets closer... and you know where the Toyota decal is on the front?... well, it was missing. And in its place was the BMW decal! Yeah... as in, that blue and white checked beemer emblem! And on the back of the car? The beemer emblem... again! And they took off the decal that says "Matrix."

I was stunned. I just stood there in the middle of the parking lot... stunned. Then this dude walks past me and sees the car... he looks stunned as well. And he says, "*That's* a beemer?!" We both start laughing. I look back at the car. "It's a Matrix!" I said to him. "A Toyota Matrix! They cheated!!!" We both started laughing again.

Yes, Californians will do *anything* to drive a BMW... even if that means buying a $15,000 Toyota and slapping a BMW decal on there. Pfff... Californians will never cease to amaze me. Never. Ever.

*emmett* ~ who is just fine and dandy with her Toyota with its Toyota decal thankyouverymuch!

Sunday, April 18, 2004

What Ever Happened to Toilets?

The other day while I was making dinner, I peeked out my back door because there were a million little boys playing out behind my fence. I wanted to make sure they weren't doing anything that would get them yelled at. Tee hee... good thing I was looking out for them!

As I was looking outside, I noticed one of the little boys (about 5 or 6), Martin (pronounced the Spanish way, mar-TEEN), popping a squat in the bushes... twenty feet behind my back fence!

First I was like... "Oh... he has to go pee and can't make it home. And awww... how sweet and respectful... his mom taught him to squat and pee instead of pee standing up."

Then I realized... this kid was *not* peeing. Yup, he was taking a dump behind my fence... and behind my neighbors' fences (as a matter of fact, closer to their fences than mine)! I don't know what they teach children in Mexico, but here in the States... umm... we use *toilets*. Pretty bad, huh?! Ummm... yeah... it gets worse...

So then, he's just squatting there probably thinking, "Darn it! I should have brought a magazine and a roll of toilet paper!" He then proceeds to wipe his bottom... with his fingers!

Yup you read correctly... then he looks at it and wipes it in the grass in front of him. After doing this about three times, a group of boys starts walking in his direction. I was hoping they wouldn't notice him and keep on walking. No such luck. They start laughing and pointing.

UGH... how traumatic for poor little Marty McPooper. The boys then called over Martin's older brother. He smiles and walks to his little brother and hits him upside the head (not hard) as if to say, "You idiot! Tell me you need to take a dump, and I'll take you to the dumpster or something."

I then decided it was time for me to get involved. First, I yelled at the boys who were still laughing at him. I told them to "keep on walkin'." The oldest boy (probably 12) says, "... but he's my cousin!" Oh... then by all means, go ahead and make fun of him. I didn't realize you were *family*... pfff... keep on walkin', Junior. So... he apologized (to my surprise) and kept walking.

Me: one. Rude little dork: zero! ha ha... yeah!

So... I offer Martin and his brother toilet paper, a grocery bag and my sink to was his hands (there was no way I was going to have him running around the neighborhood with those poopy little fingers)! They kindly accepted my offers. I would have offered him my bathroom *before* he took a dump, but it looked like I was a little too late to stop him. But... I did tell him that *next time*, he could use my bathroom. Pretty exciting day. LOL.

*emmett* ~ who didn't realize that moving to a new place would provide so much lasting entertainment! ;-)

p.s. Last night, I met Dr. Jane Goodall!! She's the 'chimpanzee lady'. No, not Sigourney Weaver in 'Gorillas in the Mist'... that was Dian Fossey, the 'gorilla lady'. Anyway, it was a dream come true for me, and she was amazing! If you have the chance, I would highly recommend seeing her speak. She's not to be missed! :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Smells Gassy...

I'm supposed to go to the mall today to pay my Victoria's Secret credit card bill, but... I'm dreading it. Yes, I'm actually *dreading* going to the mall. Something is seriously wrong with me.

I have to drive to Santa Rosa to do this. It doesn't bother me *that* much that it's 25 minutes away. I used to drive over an hour for the mall when I lived in a small town in Colorado. No biggie. It's just these stinkin' gas prices! Wholly buckets, they are so high!

Oh, oh! And there is this one street by the college, one block with THREE gas stations. This isn't even the strange part. The 1st gas station sells gas for $2.02, the 2nd gas station sells gas for $2.14 and the 3rd gas station sells gas for $2.25! And, might I re-iterate, they're all on the same block! Yeah, it's nuts. They're not crappy stations either. They're the three biggest ones here: Chevron, Mobil and Shell. Gee... I can buy gas for either $2.02 or $2.25... I wonder *which* one I'll choose. Pfff...

If you live outside of CA, and you have decent gas prices, consider yourself blessed. For those of you fellow Californians... I feel your pain, Ninjas.

*emmett* ~ who is now trying to limit her driving time in order to avoid spending $100 a month on gas...

Sunday, April 11, 2004


Happy Easter! I'm not really doing anything "Easter-ly" today except maybe looking for a part-time job, but that's not really "Easter-ly," it's just something I'm planning on doing today.

Anywho... Hubby is at work until tomorrow night... *sniff* so I'm home alone with Ruby and Amber, which is still nice. :) I may go visit him though. Oh wait! I have to go visit him if I want him to do the laundry (his only household chore). LOL. It's in *my* car, and he wants to do it on base. Oh, the laundry, I mean! Not me or my car! I mean... I'm sure he'd want to do me, but... oh, never mind... This is a G-rated diary! Sheesh.

Oh! The other night at like three in the morning, hubby gets out of bed. He's walking up and down the stairs, flipping on lights and opening and closing drawers. I'm thinking, "Is he sleep-walking? Or did he just remember something he needs to do at 3:00 a.m.?"

So... I'm like, "Honey? What are you doing?"

And he answers, "Why?"... Why?! WHY?! WHY?!"

Umm... okay... because it's perfectly *normal* to be up in the middle of the night walking up and down the stairs, flipping on lights and opening drawers.

I decided to humor him and curve my sarcasm. "Why? Well... because I care, Honey. I want to help you find what you need." :) Yeah... I'm a good wife. :) He ended up finding what he needed: campho-phenique for a canker-sore he had on the inside of his lip. Poor guy. Still a funny story though. :)

*emmett* ~ who has *not* been sleeping well lately so ordered a new pillow... but then took the puppies to the park yesterday and so wasn't here when they delivered it so has to wait until MONDAY! Ugh... more sleepless nights. Break out the sleeping pills...

Thursday, April 8, 2004

The Salad Bar.

Guess what? I'm not writing about cars! Tee hee...

Anyway... I just wanted to let all of you know that I really like salad bars. And whenever I go, I always get the same salad: lettuce, diced ham, bacon, cucumbers, diced tomatoes, green peppers and cheese... no dressing. This is VERY tasty.

Marie Callender's (a restaurant here on the west-coast) has the best salad bar. When I worked there for a year, I ate lots of salads, and they were super tasty! :)

They even had nachos on their salad bar! Well... okay, not *actually* nachos. But they had the best chips (they make themselves), and then they have grated cheese. So... I get a plate and put chips, cheese, chips, cheese, chips, cheese... then I ask the server if he/she could kindly nuke it for me. Oh, so tasty! I've only seen these chips on ONE salad bar. ONE! And that one is in Buena Park, CA... currently seven hours from me. *sigh* Oh well.

So... whenever someone wants to go out to lunch with me, I want to go to Marie Callender's so I can get that yummy salad with a side of fries. (They also have very tasty fries!) So anyway... this one time I went, and when I went to put the diced ham on, it looked kinda funny. So... I decided to taste it.

Well, it was *not* ham. Know what it was? BOLOGNA! Yeah... as in Oscar Mayer! Now... please... WHO... on.God's.Green.Earth. would put BOLOGNA on a salad?! Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

I just figured they ran out of ham. But bologna? Ohmylordalmighty! Sheesh! What about turkey or chicken? Aren't those suitable alternatives? Oh! I guess it could have been Spam?! Wait a second. What the heck am I thinking? Spam is even more inconceivable then bologna! Okay... I guess it probably was not Spam. But bologna? Oh, no... just... ewww... no. So yeah... I just left that off my salad.

*sigh* It didn't taste the same. Oh well. Maybe next time...

*emmett* ~ who now hasn't been to Marie Callender's in a VERY long time. Oh wait... I just went a few weeks ago. But I didn't have the salad bar...

Wednesday, April 7, 2004

Northern California vs. Southern California... and Cars.

So... yeah... more about cars. :) I'm not really obsessed with cars. I just see an awful lot of them in California... so this is what I'm choosing to write about. :)

You know what's really weird? People getting stickers custom-made for their cars. I mean, I can understand one that says your name or some little cult you belong to. But what's the deal with the stickers that say what kind of car it is? I mean, I often see these HUGE stickers.... I'm talking a foot high by four feet long... that say "CIVIC." Like the word that says the model of the car (that the factory puts on) isn't big enough. Are these people's names Civic? Do they belong to a Civic *Club*? I just don't get it... Hmmm... maybe it's a California thing.

Speaking of Californians. Let me tell you something about Northern Californians.... there are two kinds of people who live in Northern California: Those who were born and raised here and didn't want to move to Southern California because it's so busy and crazy down there... and those who lived in Southern California, but it got way too busy and crazy for them so they bring their own busy and crazy habits up here and try to create a *new* busy and crazy place without even really realizing it. The reason I know this is because I'm on the road quite a bit so I can tell by the way people drive.

"That dude just cut me off!" Yeah, the dude who cut the other person off: he would be from Southern California. The person pointing it out: Northern Californian. "Hurry up, Dude! You're going two miles *under* the speed limit!" Yeah... the person who needs to hurry up: Northern Californian. The person yelling at him: Southern Californian. Do you see? Those silly So-Cal people bring all their 'rush-rush-rush' mentalities with them, and because they're rushing, it causes the very stress-LESS Nor-Cal people to be rushed as well... therefore creating a whole new busy and crazy atmosphere like the one they're trying to avoid. Yup... I got this California place all figured out.

So which am I, you ask? Well, I'm a whole new breed. I was born and raised in Southern California and wanted desperately to get out of the business and craziness of it all so... I moved to Colorado, where everyone is nice and kind and friendly and they drive nice and safely. AND THEN I went back to Southern California and remembered how busy and crazy it was so.... I came to Northern California to join the people who don't want to be all rushed, but then I realized that the people *are* rushed because they are either former Southern Californians or native Northern Californians who are trying to adapt to the former Southern Californian way of life and so... we're moving to Rhode Island. I do, however, still drive the speed limit. Okay... five over the speed limit. :)

*emmett* ~ who follows all other traffic laws and only speeds to keep up with the flow of traffic... meaning the crazy former Southern Calfornians. :)

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Car Butts.

I like to stare at the back of people's cars while idle (or driving slowly) behind them because it passes the time. I suppose you could say I check out their butts. :)

Some have expired plates because, well let's face it, who wants to pay over $300 to renew your plates in California?! Other cars have amusing (or non-amusing) bumper stickers. This one Ford Taurus had a sticker on the back that said, "You haven't been lei'd until you've been lei'd in Hawaii." Tee hee... that made me giggle. I looked up to see who would put something like that on the back of their car, and it was a set of grandparents! Ewww... "They're old!" I said to my husband. Then I look back down at the bumper to examine it for more bumper stickers. My eye caught their license plate frame. It said, "I'm not old." Ha ha ha. How ironic...

On my way to school yesterday, I was driving in back of a Volvo station wagon. Like usual, I examine the back of their car. No funny or stupid stickers. No cheesy license plate frame. But... their tags *were* expired. Now, I see these often. If I were a cop, I'd be reelin' 'em in! But this one, by far, takes the cake! Usually I see plates that are only one year past due. I once saw a truck with plates two years past due, but he wasn't driving it so I figured that was okay. But this Volvo? Umm... I considered taking down the license plate number or at least following it and taking a picture! LOL. Their tags said June 1998! 1998!! 19-friggin'-98! It's almost June 2004! This means their tags should say June 2005 in two months. Wholly-buckets, Batman, they owe the DMV an @$$-load of money!

When I bought my first car, my plates expired three months later. I didn't even notice until I came out of a movie theatre one night and walked back to my parked car. A cop had given me a ticket! Yes, he was patrolling the movie theatre parking lot for expired license plate tags. Craziness! Anyway, I didn't pay the ticket. I just paid for the renewal. They said that was fine. Minnesota DMVs are nice. :)

I have other neat stories to tell, but those will have to wait until tomorrow. I have to write a 5-page paper about chimpanzees. Yay! This should be fun. I love those little guys. :)

*emmett* ~ who only has one bumper sticker (much to her dismay) on the back of her car. It says, "Coastie Wife"... I suppose that one is okay. :)

Thursday, April 1, 2004

National Stupid People Day

Well, it's April Fool's Day, but actually, yesterday was supposed to be April Fool's Day because this year was a Leap Year. And if you think with this logic, yesterday makes perfect sense. Yesterday in my life was... "National Stupid People Day". And *I* was not the only one celebrating this wretched holiday!

Stupid-Person Story #1: I go to school and I get my test back (which bumped my grade from an 87% to an "A"! Woohoo! I rock!). Anyway... the teacher was going over some test questions, and she said, "All animals have some sort of 'Play'?... True or False?" Okay... so yes, that questions is false because only mammals have some sort of 'Play', and I got that correct. Anyhow... the guy next to me says to me... "What?! No way! All animals play!" And I was like... "Andy, little lizards do *not* play. King Cobras... they don't play either!" And Andy says, "They're not animals!" LOL. Okay... this was so stupid, I couldn't even argue with him! I was just like... "Uhh... Andy? Shut up. Just shut up. If you're 19 and sitting in a college anthropology class and don't know this... well... sheesh." He finally realized that he was being way stupid. Yeah... I agree.

Stupid-Person Story #2: I went to the mall after school, and as I was driving home, there was a sign that said "Freeway, Left" so... naturally, when the light turned green, I turned left. BUT... I failed to actually *LOOK* to the left. If I had, I would have noticed that I was turning onto an opposite traffic one-way street. And guess who was the first car at that red light in the one-way lane? Yeah... a police car! He laughed. Yeah... he actually smiled and shook his head probably thinking, "This idiot doesn't know what the heck she's doing! Heh, heh, heh." I screamed. I threw my hands up in the air and actually screamed, "I don't know where I'm going! AHHH!" I stopped the car right in front of the cop, put my car in reverse, and continued to go where I was supposed to. Thank God there were no other cars so I didn't get in an accident. (The cop must have felt very sorry for me because he didn't even pull me over!)THEN... I finally get on the right street in the right direction, and I notice... I'm driving on the wrong side of the road! AHH! Again... I am *so* glad that there are no cars. I pull back into my lane and turn left to the safety of the freeway. Phew. Yeah... needless to say, that was really stupid. BUT... I can't say it was all my fault. I mean, the SIGN told me to turn left! So I did! Sheesh. :\

Stupid-Person Story #3: I go to pick up my husband from work. One of the guys he works with comes out and asks me if I can pick up his wife from the airport on Monday. I tell him, "I can't. I have a cultural anthropology test." And he says, "Huh... uhh... is that the one with Zeus and stuff?" I tried to hold in my laughter. "Uhhh... no. That's *mythology*. Cultural Anthropology studies human cultures." He was just like, "Oh... huh... okay."

So yeah... yesterday was weird. I'd like to stay inside all day today, but I can't. Old Navy is having a huge sale, and I'd like to get there when they open. :) Ciao.

*emmett* ~ who can't wait to get new shorts and flip-flops!