Saturday, February 14, 2009

Concealing.

There are many different types of bloggers. Some blog about their lives. Some do not. Some seem to stick to one theme like scrapbooking or doing handstands in cool or mundane places. Some blog about every good and bad thing that happens. Some blog only their struggles. Some blog only the happy times.

I generally fall into the latter category... with a mention here and there about a hard time. But I like to graze over it like a small thorn in a garden of roses. 

I suppose I don't do it intentionally. I like to focus on the good things... positive, optimistic, happy, lively things. I like to focus on good people and good times. And on occasion, I'll mention that I don't like cheesecake or (despite the fact that pregnant women are lovely) the thought of touching a pregnant woman's belly freaks me out more than anything I can think of off the top of my head. But you know... generally happy thoughts.

And then last night, though I was trying to avoid the topic of a certain recent event, someone mentioned it. I casually grazed over it and changed the subject. But then I received an email... an apology from an internet friend. She felt like she had hurt my feelings by unintentionally touching on the topic. Then she shared, "I didn't see an update on your blog recently... so I guess I am just blind or haven't been reading long enough." 

No, Lovely. You are correct. There is nothing on my blog of the sort. 

And that got me thinking. What is this blog I keep? A journal? A diary? Random thoughts? Journaling that will end up on a scrapbook layout one day? I suppose it's all of those things. But most importantly... to me... it's an escape. It's an escape of the life I really do lead. One where I cry every day, but then realize I've cried too much, so I should do my best to make it through a day without crying. A life where I watch an unending line of Friends episodes and eat fresh fruit, cheese and certain meats for the sole reason that it reminds me of my favorite grandfather.

I bake because it reminds me of my mom. I watch movies I've never seen. I color in my coloring book that has been up on a high shelf collecting dust. I chat on the phone with friends for hours and hours. I try my very best to keep my chin up and to focus on the things that really are wonderful in my life.

I have the best friends and family I could ever, EVER ask for. I am truly blessed with those God has placed in my life. And though I sit alone in my house day after day, I still want a life I love. I still want a life I enjoy... things I enjoy, people I enjoy. I always try to stay so strong. Put on a different face. It's so much better to make the best of things. 

But now I feel like I've come to a point where it's too late. It's too late to share what I'm going through. I'm that person who loves to smile. I'm that person who loves to make the best of things. I'm that person who wants to stay strong no matter what. I can't share... on my blog... that I'm *gasp* ... human!

I know, I know, thousands of people go through this every year. And I hate that it's become that. It's become a "yeah, that happens to lots of people. You'll get through it. You'll be fine." And I'm not fine. I feel like someone has died. I feel like a part of me has died. I've never felt so much pain, sadness, and loneliness ever in all my life. I feel like my whole world... everything I know and love is crashing and falling from underneath me. And I really do try to be strong.

But right now... I feel anything but strong. I am so... not myself. And more than anything, I just want to jump through cyberspace, wrap all my friends in my arms and say, "I love you, Ladies! You mean more to me than you could ever know. And right now, you are getting me through the hardest time I've ever, ever been through." And though I'm alone at home, I know in cyberspace, I'm not alone. So... thank you. :)

And thank you for letting be human today.

16 comments:

Nicole said...

Reyanna, i'm sending a big hug out your way...whatever you may be going through, i hope it heals...and it is perfectly ok to be human, lol!! =)

TheLegacyLady said...

I am so glad I met you in real life at CHA - you are an amazing person. I love that you went below the surface on this post - we all go through hard times yes but capturing what you did today while in them is priceless.

I hope whatever it is you are going through that you will have the strength to get through and come out better on the other side of the pain. sending BIG cyber hugs!

Close To Home said...

giving you a *hug*....and prayers

Christie Wildes said...

((hugs)) girl!!!! I am here whenever you need to chat. Lots of love...XOXO

Kris with a K said...

I barely even know you, but just being around you at a's made an impact on my life. Whatever it is, you have more people than you know who are pulling for you! Big hugs!

Kelly said...

Sending you a big hug. And if you ever need an ear - I have one ;o)

Jennie (aka Jenn) said...

Sending you some major lovin! I know whatever it is that you are going through is something that you will be able to get past - in time - and you will be stronger because of it. Remember God only throws things at us that he knows we can handle. That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger! Hang in there, and remember that you are loved! :)

vtpuggirl said...

Reaching out to you, hoping you are ok and get through the day. I don't know the source of your sadness, but time really does put it all in perspective. Hugs!

Lyn said...

hugs to you... your writing was real and very inspiring. no matter how many other people "it" (whatever it is!) happens to, if it's happening to you, it's relevant, and if it hurts, it sucks. sending lots of sunshine and patterned paper your way!!

Heather said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Heather said...

Aww Rey, You know if you ever need anything you can email me. If nothing else I can entertain you with all the insanity at my house. LOL I love your sunshiny personality hon, but everyone is human. I'll be praying for you chickie.

P.S. Ruby and Amber are sooo cute!

Anne aka Anniescraps said...

Reyanna, dear lady it is okay to be human, I love your humanity you wear it well, dear lady. I can only gather that there are monumentous events happening in your life that have cut you deeply and have left you alone. I am sending you hugs and prayers to warm you in a blanket of knowledge that you might be alone in this moment but you shall not be alone forever and if you listen to your heart carefully God is with you right now as are we. So mourn your loss for indeed it sounds like a loss but do not lose you.

Bashful said...

Pixie Dust, as much as you need for as long as you need it, being sent your way! And it's totally okay to be human. I think it makes you even more lovable, more *real*, KWIM? But I do love your sunny side, too, and I look forward to the day when you don't have to struggle to pull it up.

And I think it's wonderful that you're blogging about this! I haven't updated my blog in ages because I still haven't figured out what exactly it's for, LOL.

april said...

sending lots of hugs your way!

Jacquie said...

Hey sweets...I'm thinking about you and hoping your stormy weather passes quickly and that there is no damage.

ValAnn said...

No matter what you are going through, your look on life with optimism is bound to pull you through. The greatest optimists in the world had to have had bad days, too.