Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Discovering.


I've always loved babies. (See... even in this photo when I was six. :) ) I've always loved children. I started babysitting when I was ten. Well, I was mature for my age, and my cousin was sleeping, and my aunt had to run to the store for all of 30 minutes, but still! I babysat! 

But that day began years of babysitting and nannying. I always wanted eight children. Yes, eight. 

I had seven Cabbage Patch Babies lined up (with name tags on their beds) in my closet (big closet). They were my seven babies, and then I had an older daughter (who, you know, could help me take care of my seven babies).

The number eight slowly turned to four, and before I was married, that was the number that was set in my head. My husband didn't want any children when we got married. But I wanted to marry him, so... I said okay. I don't need to have children.

And as the years went on, I actually felt that I didn't even *want* to have children of my own anymore. I could just babysit and coach gymnastics, and I'd be fine. People thought it was very uncharacteristic of me. And it was. I had *always* wanted children.

Then a few years later, I wanted children again (my husband had also changed his mind). But the feeling came and went... as often as I bought new scrap supplies. Did I want children? *sigh* I LOVE children. I just couldn't make up my mind... mainly because of health reasons.

Then this last Saturday, a woman came into the scrapbook store. Her hands were full... shopping bags, jackets, and a diaper bag in one hand, and a baby in the other. "Can I give you a hand?" I asked. "Sure! That would be great!" She looked relieved.

"I can hold the baby for you!" She smiled as I reached my hands forward. And then the most amazing thing happened. It was like coming home. 

Landon is only six months old. He didn't know me. I didn't know him. But for the first minute, we just stared at each other. He smiled and then laid his head on my chest. He picked his head up and then stared at me and smiled. He didn't blink once. Then he laid his head on my chest again. "I've never seen him do that," his mom told me.

And I actually started to cry. So here I am... at work, in my apron, holding a baby, and crying. *sigh* I'm sure I looked utterly ridiculous. And I felt myself whisper, "I want one." And I heaved a big sigh.

Now? There is no doubt in my mind that I'm supposed to be a mother. I've known it. I've known it since I was a child and dolls were all I wanted... ever. I've known it since I was in 4th grade, and the kindergartners would follow me around, and I loved it. I've known it since the first time I laid eyes on my nieces and the tears just started to flow. I've known. Why I doubted myself, I'm not sure.

I know God has his timing. And I'm so glad He also has the ability to give me patience...

Oh, and by the way, thank you, Landon. That moment will forever be in my heart.

11 comments:

Lynn said...

thanks for visiting my blog :) just read your post here and it's lovely. I wish you luck:) Being a mam is the best (and hardest) job in the world.

lauren said...

Very touching! BRinging tears to my eyes! Hope you get your wish soon!

karen m. (akaliz) said...

what a beautiful story! i thought i didn't want children either, but now i don't know what i ever did without them. you're right; God has his timing and i wish you the best!

found you on SC.

Nichole said...

oh, Reyanna, you have me in tears now, and I got goose bumps too!
your right, His timing is always perfect!!
watch for an e-mail to follow this comment! hehehe

oh, and in the babies and dolls department, we would have been best friends when we were little. haha. I loved my babies too!!!!

lisa dickinson said...

oh wow that's such a great story! i can't wait to hear the "ending" :)

Helsbells said...

What a beautiful story.

I always saw myself having a big family but when I had a hard time after my daughter was born I said no more and couldn't see us having another. I'm so glad I changed my mind as having my son has made me feel more fulfilled and happy.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this.

Ally said...

I'm so happy for you that you've found your heart! I look forward to the happy news of a baby on its way to you!

mamadawn.7 said...

MY BABY! MY DARLING! MY PRECIOUS DAUGHTER! You truly have touched my heart. God does have His perfect timing. I am certain that when the time is right, you and Jeremy will make fabulous parents! I love you very much, honey!
Mom

Amy Adams (aka Scrapitgal) said...

My eyes were welling up just reading your post!! Touching!! God has plans for all of us - even for baby Landon in the way he touched you. Isn't it just amazing??!! I never thought I wanted to have kids, but now I cannot imagine my life without them. I am not sure you ever know the perfect time to start trying - or if there is a perfect time, but sounds like your heart is speaking to you!!

Emily Pitts said...

ok.
that just gave me chills.
go you :)

Close To Home said...

oh my...what a precious story. my eyes got wet lol! just lovely. God's blessing will come to you!